Like father, like son?

Every father is proud that his son looks like him.

In Mexican culture the proverb“Hijo de tigre, pintito” (Like father, like son) alludes to the physical resemblance and attitudes that the son inherits from his father.

Sometimes proverbs are culturally highly positioned ideas. 

And in a macho society, like the Mexican one, “believing that the son has to be like the father could be very frustrating and harmful for both, to the father and the son”, says psychologist Alma Aguilar Segura, from Grupo Kintsugi: Psicología Clínica.

The M.D. family therapist says that raising expectations about what the child will look like is normal and humane.

Dads can make plans and create possible paths to follow. If it is so important for a father that his son resembles him, “let it be in good and positive things such as values and good education”.

We recommend: It’s time to overcome traditional masculinity

“New paternities have made men be a guide and companion of their children; and not to look for their sons to be an extension of themselves”.

Alma Aguilar Segura, family psychotherapist

Respect your son individuality

When dads think about their sons, they often have an elaborate plan for the future of those little boys.

For example: study a career, get married and have children, practice some sport, even “support their favorite team”.

What if…

But if the son is born with some disability, if he studies Pedagogy instead of Architecture as his grandfather, or if he is homosexual, there are dads who prefer to renounce paternity because “for them, it’s hard to realize that their son is not going to be or do what they expected”, explains the psychologist.

There are very traditional families where stereotypes and macho culture prevail.

In this kind of homes, it is probably that the father will suffer “a strong emotional shock” when he realizes that his son doesn’t fulfill his personal expectations.

According to the United Nations International Children’s Emergency Fund (UNICEF), in the publication Growing in Equality, “gender stereotypes are beliefs that exist in all societies”. 

“They are generalized views and perceptions about attributes or characteristics that men and women, boys and girls possess or should possess, which are based on social and cultural norms and not on biological factors”.

Towards a new parenthood

“New masculinities and paternities should give the opportunity to build bonds beyond the characteristics of their children”, emphasizes Aguilar Segura, PhD candidate in family and couple therapy, by the Universidad Nacional Autónoma de México (UNAM).

A boy who feels rejection form his father may have many emotional holes, such as insecurity or fear of rejection. 

And in adolescence he’ll be looking for acceptance, or could repeat those patterns of behavior because he didn’t learn how to create healthy bonds and relationships.

If you have problems accepting your son’s characteristics, whatever they are, the specialist offers some tips to achieve a healthy coexistence and build a bond of love, respect and acceptance.

A bond of love:

• The first step is to accept and understand that no one in life comes to fulfill our expectations just because we want to. No one is obliged to fill anyone’s expectations.

• Another important aspect is to respect your son’s individuality. Regardless of his age, he is an individual and, as a parent, you have to respect that individuality. If the child is young, “the role of a father is to be his guide and to give him the freedom to learn to relate respectfully to his environment”.

• Parents should consider to have personal projects and not make their sons their only life project. Although this gesture could be interpreted as love, it could also cause more demand for children and less flexibility from parents

• It is essential that each member of the family be free and autonomous, that each one could be accompanied and respected. And that’s going to help to create more enjoyable bonds to everyone.

“Children have no obligation to fulfill their dads’ expectations. That should not determine the parent-son relationship”.

Alma Aguilar Segura, psychologist

Translated by: Ligia M. Oliver Manrique de Lara

Spanish version: Here

We recommend: Assuming paternity is for men.