Does a strict mother raise successful children?

Some time ago a reseach by the University of Essex, in the United Kingdom suggested that people who had an authoritarian mother tended to achieve more goals in life than those who had a permissive mother. Is it true that a strict one leads her children to success?

The reality is that you have to be very careful with that statement. One thing is to be a mother who guides and encourages her children to achieve her goals and another very different thing is to be a toxic and controlling mother who imposes her will.

Authoritarian mothers and the success of their children

Erica Rascón, professor at the University of Essex, and lead author of the research, says there is a correlation between successful people and the demands of their mothers. To draw this conclusion, she surveyed more than 15,000 children ages 13 to 14 over a six-year period.

In her results, she shows that children, whose mothers had high expectations, had much more confidence and security. Additionally, daughters who had persistent and “annoying” mothers had a 4% lower chance of getting pregnant prematurely, while boys had a higher chance of finishing college.

However, the research, which was not published in any renowned scientific journal, does not specify or define the term “authoritarian”, “strict” or “naggish”. Can we call authoritarian a mother who guides her children and teaches them discipline through consensus? Of course not. Is it the same for a mother who decides for her children the path they should follow and controls them even in adult life? No!

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The harm of being a toxic-controlling mother

According to Lucy Serrano, psychologist and individual, family and couple therapist, author of the book El precio del amor (The price of love), although we have idealized the mother as an example of love, dedication, self-sacrifice and concern for children, sometimes there is a different reality. “Of course you shouldn’t generalize, but there are mothers who unintentionally, wanting to protect their children, become controlling, absorbing, limiting”. Instead of doing well and leading their children to success, they become a factor against their children that can have repercussions throughout their lives.

“Of course there are no perfect mothers, we all make mistakes. But how many mothers think that by controlling their children is how they protect them of danger, they fill them with resentment, such as when these mothers tell girls that all men are bad?”

According to the expert, controlling mothers want to direct the lives of their children, even when they have already started a family. Although they do not admit it, they are narcissistic, wishing to have flawless children as a reflection of their own perfection. Before society, she is an exemplary mother, but she can be critical or distant in her relationship with her children.

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They can cause deep wounds

There are many subtypes of the controlling mother, such as the competitive mother, who sees her children (especially her daughters) as clouds that do not let her shine, so she becomes aggressive or rejects them. In all cases, although it is possible that they force their children to reach certain standards, this type of mother tends to leave deep emotional wounds in them. “In many cases the emotional wounds are very deep. For example, if there was some type of abandonment or physical abuse, professional help is required to analyze each individual case”, explains the therapist.

If you have a controlling type of mother, the expert recommends, besides seeking professional help, be discreet, focus on making your own decisions, and stop seeking her approval. “If you have a controlling, toxic mother, the first thing I ask is not to tell her everything. The more information you give her, the more she will get into your life. Look for help and remember that, not because she is your mother and she is older than you, she is the possessor of the absolute truth. I’m not telling you to lie to her, but if you know she’s that type, be discreet and don’t ask her permission or approval to take any step. Set limits through dialogue. Tell her that you are sorry that her opinion is different, but that it is your decision and you will deal with the consequences”.

In many cases, it helps when the children achieve independence and are old enough to live in a different place. However, as long as the child continues allowing it, that mother will continue to interfere in his life.

Remember that you borrow your children

The expert points out that it is important that all mothers, whether they have young, adolescent or adult children, think that children are independent people; they have to guide them but, in the end, they will have to carve out their own destiny. “I do not agree that a mother, just because she gave birth to you, thinks she is the owner of your life. Here I speak to the mothers. It is not like that, your children do not really belong to you, they are not your property. You are in charge of them for a little while.

You do have a responsibility towards them and there is no better way than giving them all your love, but they are not puppets or marionettes to handle as you please”, says Serrano. So, is it that a strict and authoritarian mother raises successful children? The answer is… it depends on many factors, it depends on what you mean by strict, it depends on the reaction of the children.

Undoubtedly, we always have to encourage our little ones to reach their goals, but I repeat, there is a big difference between being a mom who promotes discipline and a mom who becomes toxic. What kind of mom do you want to be?

Translated by: Ligia M. Oliver Manrique de Lara

Spanish version: Here

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